So…there’s a term in personality theory called door slamming that INXJ’s do.
They do this against toxic unhealthy people or people who seek to do damage to them.
In some way. This may not be an intentional thing on the other persons behalf, in fact,
THEY might not even be the reason for the door slam.
Sometimes an INXJ can be SO fragile, and have experienced SO much loss in life,
that cutting someone out is the only way they can preserve themselves.
I think once an INXJ realizes either them or the other person is too damaged to move
forward, a door slam is done in an effort of compassion.
When someone is a consistent threat, via lying about the person in private (behind their back),
lying about important things, or attacking them in a covert way that the INXJ may only be sensitive to.
This.. or any form of emotional manipulation, will trigger an INTJ to cut you out of their life.
If you are inconsistent or play games of any kind with an INTJ, just expect to become dead to them
at some point. Now… I actually think INTJ’s will tolerate more from someone they love, than INFJ’s will.
Over the course of time, that is.
And this is probably because other people don’t offer much value to INTJ’s, meaning, we are VERY
independent and we take care of ourself and grow our dreams very efficiently. This, in and of itself,
is a defense mechanism. Because it shows you how much we don’t trust anyone.
Anyhow… I always had a rule of thumb I operated by within my emotional world, and that is:
If someone that I really care about, is unhealthy and so I am distant… if their “games” begin to
effect my ability to earn money/support myself. Meaning it effects my mental well being SO much
that I can forsee it impact my quality of life, THAT is when I permanently door slam someone.
However, this is only something I’ve adopted as an adult.
In my teens and younger, I door slammed people all the time. Usually I just didn’t let people in
to begin with. I have nothing in common with anyone, almost ever, so why bother?
Meeting new people just makes me feel more lonely.
I just feel further detached from humanity the more people I meet.
And I just feel further alienated, so I have no reason to have a wide friend circle, ever.
But it did take me until my late teens to have enough self-insight that my unempathetic
and sudden door slams were actually hurting people or could have hurt people.
I really had no idea. In fact it wasn’t until my early twenties I even discovered what “having tact”
was. I didn’t know people didn’t want blunt honesty from me when they asked my thoughts on things.
I’m so literal and direct that it took me awhile to ‘filter’ what I said so it sounded better.
I could probably write a novel on the learning process I’ve gone through with that.
I will say… I’m not sure what a healthy balance of tolerance even is for people anymore.
I have a lot of principles I operate within and a set line of morality I always deal in, so I try
and always give benefit of the doubt until it is just stupid of me to do so.
I think having to door slam a lot of my family at a very early age in life really impacted me.
It made me very cold, all of my childhood and teens. I remember when my grand mother died
my mother called me ‘heartless’ because I never cried. I’ll never forget that day.
For some reason.. I just knew my grandmother was still with me, just not in physical form,
so even tho she was a second mother to me, I never felt crying was the right response even
though I was sad she died, it really impacted and changed my life.
But I remember my mom thinking I wasn’t outwardly emotionally expressive about the death
to be very mean and it showed she didn’t understand me at all.
Everyone deals with loss differently.
Everyone handles pain differently.
INTJ’s repress a lot. We bury a lot of emotion, and I think through out a lot of our life, we aren’t
even aware we are doing it. We can be like a giant steel wall to get through emotionally.
So, I think for those who we have let in, who have done harm to us; rather they know it or not,
(and trust me, they always do harm first, when it comes to inflicting pain INTJ’s are reactive
NOT proactive in that regard, usually we are only trying to defend ourselves if we lash out)
I say that as my personal experience, it obviously depends on how healthy the INTJ is.
But one thing I have learned in life… is that I take a lot longer to cut people out completely now.
Also, the death of my mother completely changed how I operate in my relationships,
it made me a lot softer with people over all. Walls around my heart broke down when my mom died.
It completely changed who I am. It is still changing me honestly… the healing has taken me years.
It’s made me over all… much more of a kind loving person outwardly, because I understand
the strength in it and also the honesty behind it. This doesn’t mean, I don’t have my moments
of not being soft, but in fact being mean or hyper-sensitive. But those moments are very rare,
and one thing I do know about INTJ’s, is that unlike with INFJ’s who are much more feeling driven
than us, if you are dead to an INTJ… it will be for life.
I realized the impact this can have and I take my official door slams and related very seriously now.
General reasons I will cut people out of my life now:
1. Having bad intentions, doesn’t matter if their ACTIONS are good.. if they are seeking to be
in my life with false, negative or bad intentions, that is FAR worse and I will completely cut someone
out if I sense disingenuous intentions.
2. Emotional manipulation. I have a very low tolerance for this.
3. Being hyperbolic or just generally being “full of sh*t”, gas lighting, etc. , not meaning what you say.
4. Having no character or integrity as a person.
5. Being generally immoral.
there are probably more… honestly.. but, to be continued.